I Am Legend, or How Sexism Survived the Vampire Apocalypse

This is one of those many times when I wouldn't recommend seeing the movie before reading the book, because the movie was quite a lot better I thought. Although, they're not really comparable because they diverge drastically plot-wise. So let's not even compare them then. I take it all back.

Robert Neville is the last human left. He's pretty sure. During the day, he goes out for supplies, replaces the damaged planks over his windows, hangs fresh garlic around the outside of the house . . . and stakes his neighbors through the heart while they sleep.

A sickness has swept through the population, turning everyone, one by one, into vampires. So every evening, Neville locks himself inside his house, pours himself a whiskey and soda, and turns up the classical music to drown out the sounds of the bloodthirsty crowd assembling outside his door. 

I had to remind myself a couple of times that this story was written in 1954. Because . . . well, let me just share with you what I scribbled in my notebook after reading the first 20 pages.

"What I know so far about Robert Neville: He is a man. He can use tools. He doesn't like to clean. He is controlling his sexual urges with difficulty. He is a man."

I picture a slightly disheveled Jon Hamm. Oh . . . you want an actual picture? WELL I WON'T GIVE YOU ONE. (Just kidding.)

The last rakishly handsome chauvinist on earth.

But the book does get a little better, despite Neville's stereotypical macho-man characteristics and the general subjugation of women lady vampires. We get some back story on Neville. We find out that he's just an ordinary guy, not equipped with any special knowledge to make him particularly suited for surviving the near extinction of the human race. In fact, he's often infuriatingly dense.

"Something had killed the vampire; something brutally effective. The heart had not been touched, no garlic had been present, and yet . . .
It came, seemingly, without effort. Of course---the daylight!
A bolt of self-accusation struck him. To know for five months that they remained indoors by day and never once to make the connection! He closed his eyes, appalled by his own stupidity." (p. 38)

Nosferatu is also appalled by your stupidity.

Coping with isolation is the dominant theme for most of the story. And then it kind of morphs into a powerful commentary on "otherness" . . . and how the ruling majority can become the ruled minority practically overnight.

So what have we learned? Always read the book before the movie. And, yep, I think that's pretty much it.

Hey, Presidents! Today is your day!

Happy birthday, George!

And, Abe . . . thanks for freeing the slaves and, you know, handling that vampire situation.

Here's an article about a group of historians' bookish tribute to the only my favorite honest president: "Forget Lincoln Logs: A Tower of Books to Honor Abe."

Wages of Sin vs. Brain Cells, Round 3

**NOTE: Spoilers ahead! I am summarizing the entirety of this book, and I'm doing it just for you. You'll thank me later.**

OK, my little chickadees. I know you're DYING to hear what's going on in Cliche Town, and I am here for you.

Maybe it's all the whiskey I've been drinking, but these latest chapters didn't seem quite as soul crushing as the ones before. Let's see how this post goes. Maybe I'll realize at some point that I'm in shock from The Stupid and have gone numb and emotionless. (Wages of Sin lobotomy. It's a thing.) We'll find out together.

We are all seated in the green drawing room (Cin, the three hotsy-pants vampires . . . and me, the one in the corner clutching a glass of whiskey as though my life depended on it). Cin tells them about her evil-vampire problem and they figure out that another, more powerful vampire must be controlling him because there's no way he would be able to get in her head all by himself, being new and weak and not very smart in general.

Cin asks Justine in private if vampires have sexy powers, because she's just so darn attracted to this Michael character and he MUST be using his vampiric seduction skills to make her all fluttery since she's NORMALLY a reasonable person who keeps her clothes on in public. Justine assures her there are no shenanigans; "it is sheer human lust." What a relief?

Then bad vampire Sebastian starts calling to Cin in her head and she has to be locked up so she won't try to leave the house or turn someone into a weasel. Justine and Devlin go out to hunt for bad vampire, and Michael stays to make sure Cin doesn't hurt herself. But just to be sure, he TIES HER TO THE BED. If that isn't a recipe for sexy times, I just don't know what is.

Michael asks Cin if there's anything he can do to distract her from the creeper voice in her head. Her answer: "Hit me or kiss me." This is troubling for a number of reasons, but I wouldn't have minded if Michael hit her just a little. Much to my disappointment, he chooses the latter, completely predictable option. And he just can't believe his luck because she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. So they kiss, and it's the best kiss EVER. But sexy times are kept to a minimum because Michael is a good Scottish gentleman, and she is tied to a bed. It just wouldn't be proper.

Then Justine and Devlin come back with injuries and news. It turns out that bad vampire Sebastian is being controlled by an ancient she-demon/vampire called Kali, the Destroyer who is trapped on the earth but wants to return to her own dimension and thinks Cin can break the curse with her super-awesome witch powers. But this demon is BAD. Bad bad bad evil. And she's too strong for the good vampires to kill because she's been around forever, since before Jesus. So everyone is screwed.

Cin has to decide whether to run and always be looking over her shoulder or to kill herself so no one she loves will be hurt and she can't be used to aid and abet bad demon lady and possibly cause the deaths of thousands of people in the process. But Justine suggests they make her a vampire because then she won't have any of her human weaknesses and maybe she can live long enough to figure out a way to defeat the Destroyer. As far as reasons to become a vampire go, I suppose this is pretty sensible. As long as she's not doing it because she thinks Michael is pretty. In fact, for a nice change of pace, Michael tells her she makes him wish he were human. As refreshing as that may be, I'm still not convinced a lovely gentleman vampire would be interested in Cin. It's Edward and Bella instalove all over again, and it makes me throw-upy.

Then we get some back story on Devlin. It turns out he used to be part of Kali, the Destroyer's man harem. This conversation between him and Cin gives us another opportunity to marvel at Cin's blatant stupidity, which is now one of my favorite pastimes.

"She liked to drink from young, strong men. There were perhaps thirty of us bound in chains in one large, well-appointed room in the cellar of some great house. We were fed and clothed well and every night Yasmeen would come and choose two of us to make love to her while Kali watched."
My face flamed. I had to ask though. "Kali didn't---?"
"No, never. She prefers women."
I looked at him blankly.
"In her bed. She prefers women in her bed, not men."
"Oh," I said, but it took a minute before understanding truly dawned on me. "Oh," I said again.

SERIOUSLY, Cin?! I know you're a viscount's virginal daughter, but geez. Use your noggin. How embarrassing.

Oh, and then she has a talk with Michael, and he tells her he named his sword Ophelia. And she's like, oh silly you for naming your sword. Then, he laughs and says, "All men name their swords," which is OBVIOUSLY innuendo. But does Cin get it? No, of course not. And she claims she has never seen a man's naked chest before. She is clearly deprived.

But our sweet, innocent viscount's daughter is perpetually trying to jump Michael's bones. And he won't let her because he thinks he's beneath her since he was just a peasant when he was human and now he's the undead. But she is pulling every card she can think of. She actually says, "You make me burn, and if I'm going to die, don't let me die a virgin." She's like a teenage boy at the prom during an alien invasion. But still he resists her wiles. And she pushes up her boobs and pouts, and makes me wish, again, that Michael had hit her when he had the option.

Then the vampires go hunting to see if they can have another go at the Destroyer. While they're gone, Cin's dearest friend leans out the kitchen door to pick up a kitten, and of course bad vampire Sebastian is right there and grabs her and threatens to kill her if Cin doesn't come with him. So now she's following him through the woods to the bad, bad, evil vampire she-demon.

I don't know about you, but I'm on the edge of my seat.

Welcome to Cliche Town, population: Wages of Sin

**NOTE: Spoilers ahead! I am summarizing the entirety of this book, and I'm doing it just for you. You'll thank me later.**

You guys, I made it through five chapters before I had the overwhelming urge to make everyone feel my pain. I'm pretty proud of myself.

The VERY FIRST page is an excerpt from what I'm assuming is just one of the many horribly written sex scenes awaiting within. We have "lust, desire, tenderness, a fierce masculine need to possess." Also involved are expectant shivering and wanting and leg wrapping and tongue plunging and purring and hip grabbing. What else? Oh yes, falling to the sheets in a tangle of limbs. I think we have it all covered now.

And then I turn the page, and, to my horror, the dedication reads,

To my wonderful parents. . . . And to my grandmother, Phyllis Jean, because I made you a promise.

I don't want to think about parents and grandmothers directly after reading your horrid sex scene, Jenna! And Grandma Phyllis, WHAT did you make her promise to do?!

So there's that . . . already. And then the protagonist introduces herself.

My name is Cin. It's an unusual nickname, one that always incites speculation about how I received it. Some say it's because of the color of my hair, blood red and sinful. Others, the ones who whisper behind their hands, or cross the street rather than pass me on the sidewalk, say that it's because of who I am, of what I am. Ah, what is that, you ask? I am a witch . . . among other things. . . . Once I was young and sweet and innocent, just a girl with her whole life ahead of her.

So she's basically Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Then we're in Surrey, England, in 1815. And you can be certain it's 1815 England because 22-year-old Cin (whom I'm picturing as Willow in period costume using a terrible English accent) is saying "posh," and her dear Papa is wearing a cravat, and her loving Mama is flouncing. And they all love each other and everything is perfect, and all I can think is, "Jenna is going to KILL these people."

Then, while her parents are out at a party, Cin wakes up from a nightmare that has caused sweat to drip seductively between her breasts (as it does). And she has a terrible feeling something terrible has happened . . . and that's because something terrible has happened. Her parents have died on their way home in a chance carriage accident that is no one's fault (boring). And even though they literally fell off a cliff, their lifeless bodies are found tightly embracing at the bottom. Because that's true love.

Then Cin has to be a grown-up and find SOME way to carry on with the obscene amount of money she's inherited . . . and her servants . . . and her personal chef. And when her mom dies, she absorbs her magic. So she's a really powerful witch who doesn't know how to control her witch skills. [Insert more Willow comparisons here.]

And just as I'm thinking, "SO MANY cliches; so few pages," I get to this sentence:

When I was sixteen I had fancied myself in love with one of the footmen, a horrible cliche, I know.

DO you know?! Don't you mess with me, Jenna Maclaine. If you wrote this book to be ironic, I demand you tell me now.

Then Cin's childhood friend, who wants to marry her but whom she doesn't really like that way, returns from a long trip. And he can't wait to show her his new hobby . . . BLOOD SUCKING. (Cue the ominous music.) Then he tries to kill (?) Cin . . . or make her a vampire because she refused to marry him? I'm not at all sure. In any event, she gets away from him, but now he has her blood coursing through him and can somehow get in her head and make her crazy.

She locks herself in the house so she can study up on her vampire lore and figure out how to kill this dude before he kills her. And this is where I stop picturing Willow, because SHE would already know how to kill a vampire.

Then Cin gives up, because books are hard, and decides to go see an herbalist in London who knows things about things. The herbalist says he used to know a vampire slayer, but he got killed recently, but oh look he left his diary and here's an entry about good vampires who kill bad vampires so why don't you see if they'll help you. And she says, oh posh, I'll never welcome strange vampires into my home. Never. Never. I shan't ever do such a silly thing. So of course that's exactly what she's going to do.