Last "Wages of Sin" post EVER

**NOTE: Spoilers ahead! I am summarizing the entirety of this book, and I'm doing it just for you. You'll thank me later.**


Wages of Sin was nearly the death of me (see what I did there?) . . . but I'm done! Let the brain cell regrowth commence! *celebratory trumpets sound*

So where were we? Oh, yes . . . Cin goes to meet Kali, the Destroyer. And Kali looks like this, because our dear author has never had an original idea.

Except Kali isn't wearing the metal bra. We prefer our vampires topless up in here.

Turns out she wants Cin to work a blood-magic spell to open a portal to her demon dimension so she can retrieve her princess crown, which will give her the power to go back in time and NOT kill her girlfriend in a fit of jealousy (yeah, she did that) and NOT be bound to the mortal dimension. Then she plans to destroy the world and rule over everyone who manages to stay alive. It's all quite ambitious.

Cin puts on her brave-girl face and fakes confidence through all the talk of world destroying and actual zombies walking around and Kali caressing her suggestively. Then a bat flies by her head and she crumbles into a quivering mass of hysterical womanhood. I grow tired of her stupidity.

Then Kali drinks Cin's blood, but she bites her boob instead of her neck . . . because this author has never met a stereotype she didn't like.

Then The Righteous come to her rescue and swords are drawn and fighting happens and Cin uses her magic to set Kali and Sebastian on fire a little bit. Then they all run away.

Back at the house, Cin decides for certain that she wants to be a vampire and goes to her room to bask naked in the setting sun, as you do. Michael walks in and is struck powerless by her nudity . . . because he's a man. All noble thoughts of saving her from becoming a vampire and keeping her away from his man parts are forgotten. Sexy times ensue. I encourage you to use your imagination here, because our dear author seems not to have any personal experience with this sort of thing and instead drew all her references from a generic porno. But I won't deprive you of this tidbit:

His manhood stood out proud and terrifying. I sucked in my breath and stared. He had to be joking; there was no way this was going to work. 

Needless to say, it DOES work . . . despite the fact that virgins don't tend to melt into puddles of ecstasy the first time (on account of the agonizing pain) and vampires (aka dead things) shouldn't be able to get erections. Oh, and also he bites her neck and drinks her blood while they're in the throes of passion. Classy.

The whole becoming-a-vampire part is treated like a trip to the grocery store. He drinks her blood, she drinks his blood, she goes to sleep (dies?) for three days (original), and wakes up a vampire. No inconvenience or discomfort whatsoever . . . so in fact far more pleasant than a trip to the grocery store.

Once a vampire, she's suddenly very brave. Unfortunately, she is still an idiot. Her first day as a vampire, she finds a nest of bad vampires who have been killing prostitutes. Michael tries to get rid of her so The Righteous can do their thing without her getting in the way, but then this happens:

I stuck out my chin. "They're my vampires, I found them, and I'm going with you."

She then proceeds to be of no help at all while the other three are fighting and also somehow manages to distract Michael and get him stabbed.

Later, she goes to her old house, where her aunt and uncle are now living with their kids, to retrieve a book that contains a spell to bind Kali in a rock or tree or something. When she gets there, she finds that Kali and Sebastian are holding her aunt and uncle hostage to lure her out of hiding. She goes to them and pretends that she's seen the light and wants to be on their side and do everything they want and maybe even have some sexy times with Kali. Then she convinces them to travel to Stonehenge, where she will perform the spell to retrieve Kali's crown.

Things happen on the journey. Cin inexplicably understands sexual innuendo and giggles about a pub being named The Cock and Bull. She also alternates between being terrified of Kali and feeling quite comfortable enough to go shopping with her. In case you haven't caught on yet, NOTHING ANYONE DOES MAKES SENSE.

Character arcs. Who needs them?

When they get to Stonehenge, Cin starts to work Kali's spell but switches over to the binding spell and traps Kali in one of the stone tablets. And a werewolf attacks Sebastian. (If you're wondering why there's a werewolf, that makes two of us.)

Then The Righteous show up, and the four of them touch swords and say a little motto about defending the innocent and being the hand of justice or some such nonsense. At this point, they've become the Three Musketeers and D'Artagnan, because why NOT rip off that story, too?

And everyone lives happily ever after as vampires who save people but also survive by drinking human blood.

Let's never speak of this again.

Emergency post (about Wages of Sin...what else)

YOU GUYS.

I've read only one chapter in the book-that-shan't-be-named since I last posted, but something truly awful has happened. I need support in this, my darkest hour.

It started out like any other reading session spent with this particular book. Eye rolling, exasperated sighing, dry heaving.

But THEN, Michael, he who is noble and Scottish and undead, says to Cin, she who can't figure out whether she is a dimwitted hussy or a dimwitted virgin:

"Woman, do as you're told!"

Now, normally, I would be outraged at this man-person who has the gall to be so brazenly sexist. Never mind how high his cheekbones are!

But, today, when I read those words, I initiated a one-person slow clap. All I could think was, "YES. Finally. Make her go away and conjure a sandwich or something."

This book has brainwashed the feminist out of me. I may never be able to get it back.

Quick, someone recite Friedan and reverse the spell!

Wages of Sin vs. Brain Cells, Round 3

**NOTE: Spoilers ahead! I am summarizing the entirety of this book, and I'm doing it just for you. You'll thank me later.**

OK, my little chickadees. I know you're DYING to hear what's going on in Cliche Town, and I am here for you.

Maybe it's all the whiskey I've been drinking, but these latest chapters didn't seem quite as soul crushing as the ones before. Let's see how this post goes. Maybe I'll realize at some point that I'm in shock from The Stupid and have gone numb and emotionless. (Wages of Sin lobotomy. It's a thing.) We'll find out together.

We are all seated in the green drawing room (Cin, the three hotsy-pants vampires . . . and me, the one in the corner clutching a glass of whiskey as though my life depended on it). Cin tells them about her evil-vampire problem and they figure out that another, more powerful vampire must be controlling him because there's no way he would be able to get in her head all by himself, being new and weak and not very smart in general.

Cin asks Justine in private if vampires have sexy powers, because she's just so darn attracted to this Michael character and he MUST be using his vampiric seduction skills to make her all fluttery since she's NORMALLY a reasonable person who keeps her clothes on in public. Justine assures her there are no shenanigans; "it is sheer human lust." What a relief?

Then bad vampire Sebastian starts calling to Cin in her head and she has to be locked up so she won't try to leave the house or turn someone into a weasel. Justine and Devlin go out to hunt for bad vampire, and Michael stays to make sure Cin doesn't hurt herself. But just to be sure, he TIES HER TO THE BED. If that isn't a recipe for sexy times, I just don't know what is.

Michael asks Cin if there's anything he can do to distract her from the creeper voice in her head. Her answer: "Hit me or kiss me." This is troubling for a number of reasons, but I wouldn't have minded if Michael hit her just a little. Much to my disappointment, he chooses the latter, completely predictable option. And he just can't believe his luck because she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. So they kiss, and it's the best kiss EVER. But sexy times are kept to a minimum because Michael is a good Scottish gentleman, and she is tied to a bed. It just wouldn't be proper.

Then Justine and Devlin come back with injuries and news. It turns out that bad vampire Sebastian is being controlled by an ancient she-demon/vampire called Kali, the Destroyer who is trapped on the earth but wants to return to her own dimension and thinks Cin can break the curse with her super-awesome witch powers. But this demon is BAD. Bad bad bad evil. And she's too strong for the good vampires to kill because she's been around forever, since before Jesus. So everyone is screwed.

Cin has to decide whether to run and always be looking over her shoulder or to kill herself so no one she loves will be hurt and she can't be used to aid and abet bad demon lady and possibly cause the deaths of thousands of people in the process. But Justine suggests they make her a vampire because then she won't have any of her human weaknesses and maybe she can live long enough to figure out a way to defeat the Destroyer. As far as reasons to become a vampire go, I suppose this is pretty sensible. As long as she's not doing it because she thinks Michael is pretty. In fact, for a nice change of pace, Michael tells her she makes him wish he were human. As refreshing as that may be, I'm still not convinced a lovely gentleman vampire would be interested in Cin. It's Edward and Bella instalove all over again, and it makes me throw-upy.

Then we get some back story on Devlin. It turns out he used to be part of Kali, the Destroyer's man harem. This conversation between him and Cin gives us another opportunity to marvel at Cin's blatant stupidity, which is now one of my favorite pastimes.

"She liked to drink from young, strong men. There were perhaps thirty of us bound in chains in one large, well-appointed room in the cellar of some great house. We were fed and clothed well and every night Yasmeen would come and choose two of us to make love to her while Kali watched."
My face flamed. I had to ask though. "Kali didn't---?"
"No, never. She prefers women."
I looked at him blankly.
"In her bed. She prefers women in her bed, not men."
"Oh," I said, but it took a minute before understanding truly dawned on me. "Oh," I said again.

SERIOUSLY, Cin?! I know you're a viscount's virginal daughter, but geez. Use your noggin. How embarrassing.

Oh, and then she has a talk with Michael, and he tells her he named his sword Ophelia. And she's like, oh silly you for naming your sword. Then, he laughs and says, "All men name their swords," which is OBVIOUSLY innuendo. But does Cin get it? No, of course not. And she claims she has never seen a man's naked chest before. She is clearly deprived.

But our sweet, innocent viscount's daughter is perpetually trying to jump Michael's bones. And he won't let her because he thinks he's beneath her since he was just a peasant when he was human and now he's the undead. But she is pulling every card she can think of. She actually says, "You make me burn, and if I'm going to die, don't let me die a virgin." She's like a teenage boy at the prom during an alien invasion. But still he resists her wiles. And she pushes up her boobs and pouts, and makes me wish, again, that Michael had hit her when he had the option.

Then the vampires go hunting to see if they can have another go at the Destroyer. While they're gone, Cin's dearest friend leans out the kitchen door to pick up a kitten, and of course bad vampire Sebastian is right there and grabs her and threatens to kill her if Cin doesn't come with him. So now she's following him through the woods to the bad, bad, evil vampire she-demon.

I don't know about you, but I'm on the edge of my seat.

Wages of Sin IS KILLING MY SOUL

**NOTE: Spoilers ahead! I am summarizing the entirety of this book, and I'm doing it just for you. You'll thank me later.**

Things have taken a turn for the worse over here in Cliche Town. I made it three chapters, and I already need to purge before I am poisoned by my hatred for this book.

I fear I may have given our dear author more credit than she deserved. I assumed a book that revolves around a powerful witch would AT LEAST feature a strong female protagonist. Imagine my shock and dismay when I realized this character is WORSE THAN BELLA.

But seriously, guys.

I knew something was amiss when she needed help to kill one silly vampire. If I were a witch with double-witch powers, I would be like, "Step aside, vampire hunters. I'm gonna vaporize this m-fer. Won't take but a second." I mean, earlier, she turned him into a weasel on accident. Can't she just do that again, on purpose? And then step on his head?

So she's utterly helpless . . . for some reason the author hasn't bothered to explain.

She decides to use a spell to summon the good vampires (The Righteous) to her mansion. But they ARE still vampires and could be dangerous, so the clever girl uses her generous bosom to make them more receptive to her. I'll just let her tell you what she's wearing. She does it so well.

It was a Cyprian's dress, a creation for a high-class courtesan. Made of crimson silk, which happily matched the lining of my cloak, it clung to every one of my generous curves. Shockingly sleeveless and scandalously low-cut in a deeply plunging V, its skirt fell from the satin band below my breasts to hug my hips ever so slightly and swirl out in a tiny flare at the floor.

She explains that at night in the privacy of her room, she often puts on this dress, cakes on makeup from her secret stash, and admires herself in the mirror while pretending she's one of "those women." Yes, she said THOSE WOMEN. *bangs head repeatedly on keyboard*

So she's in her ballroom (everyone has one, no big deal), wearing this seductive dress, and she works this incredibly annoying spell (four pages of chanting!) to summon The Righteous from London.

Using Morrigan, Great Phantom Queen, Keeper of Death, she speaks telepathically to one of the good vampires (the sexy one, obvs), and he appears sexily in the doorway and waits there sexily while she explains to us how incredibly sexy he is. She describes your typical attractive man-person, but then she says he looks like a pirate. So he's a hot vampire pirate named Michael, The Devil's Archangel. There you go.

And this is where she just goes for it and becomes "woman with heaving breasts who needs strong man to save her."

He was not armed with so much as a dagger, but when his fingers clenched on the door frame and I heard the soft crack of the wood underneath, I realized that those beautiful, lethal hands were weapons in themselves. And even knowing that, all I could think of was what they would feel like on my skin, moving up my arm, drawing my hair aside, moving lower . . . 

Did you just throw up in your mouth a little?

What I REALLY wanted to do when I read this was punch Cin in the face. What I ACTUALLY did was fling the book at the wall and hang my head in sorrow for womankind.

After she's done telling us about his strong hands and high cheekbones, dreamy vampire pirate realizes she's a witch and lunges at her, and she uses her witch powers to lift him off the ground and pin him to the wall. My frustration knows no bounds! WHY can't she just do that with the BAD vampire?!

But, just in case you were thinking there's hope for her yet, while she has him lifted up against the wall, all she can think about is how badly she wants to touch his chest. I'M NOT JOKING. Then she lets him down and they start talking like a civilized witch and vampire should, but he can't stop staring at her "generous swell of breast." And she likes it because she HAS NO SELF-RESPECT.

I wanted to wrap myself up in him, to feel his arms around me, to feel safe again. My breath rushed out in a quivering sigh.

Just when you think they're gonna go at it right there on the ballroom floor, the other two good vampires show up (thank GOODNESS). We have Devlin, the Dark Lord, and Justine, The Devil's Justice . . . and they're attractive, of course. Devlin is a Gaston lookalike and has an "arrogant nose," whatever that is.

Justine is perfect and exotic and gets Cin's juices flowing, apparently.

There was something indefinable about her that made you imagine her naked in a bed, all that glorious hair tousled around her, her eyes sleepy and heavy-lidded from lovemaking.

This poor girl needs some action, like now. Oh, but Cin really wants us to know that Justine's breasts aren't as large as hers. This is important information for some reason.

I left them sitting in Cin's drawing room, drinking whiskey and discussing her problems (WHERE to begin?).

Whiskey sounds good right now.

Welcome to Cliche Town, population: Wages of Sin

**NOTE: Spoilers ahead! I am summarizing the entirety of this book, and I'm doing it just for you. You'll thank me later.**

You guys, I made it through five chapters before I had the overwhelming urge to make everyone feel my pain. I'm pretty proud of myself.

The VERY FIRST page is an excerpt from what I'm assuming is just one of the many horribly written sex scenes awaiting within. We have "lust, desire, tenderness, a fierce masculine need to possess." Also involved are expectant shivering and wanting and leg wrapping and tongue plunging and purring and hip grabbing. What else? Oh yes, falling to the sheets in a tangle of limbs. I think we have it all covered now.

And then I turn the page, and, to my horror, the dedication reads,

To my wonderful parents. . . . And to my grandmother, Phyllis Jean, because I made you a promise.

I don't want to think about parents and grandmothers directly after reading your horrid sex scene, Jenna! And Grandma Phyllis, WHAT did you make her promise to do?!

So there's that . . . already. And then the protagonist introduces herself.

My name is Cin. It's an unusual nickname, one that always incites speculation about how I received it. Some say it's because of the color of my hair, blood red and sinful. Others, the ones who whisper behind their hands, or cross the street rather than pass me on the sidewalk, say that it's because of who I am, of what I am. Ah, what is that, you ask? I am a witch . . . among other things. . . . Once I was young and sweet and innocent, just a girl with her whole life ahead of her.

So she's basically Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Then we're in Surrey, England, in 1815. And you can be certain it's 1815 England because 22-year-old Cin (whom I'm picturing as Willow in period costume using a terrible English accent) is saying "posh," and her dear Papa is wearing a cravat, and her loving Mama is flouncing. And they all love each other and everything is perfect, and all I can think is, "Jenna is going to KILL these people."

Then, while her parents are out at a party, Cin wakes up from a nightmare that has caused sweat to drip seductively between her breasts (as it does). And she has a terrible feeling something terrible has happened . . . and that's because something terrible has happened. Her parents have died on their way home in a chance carriage accident that is no one's fault (boring). And even though they literally fell off a cliff, their lifeless bodies are found tightly embracing at the bottom. Because that's true love.

Then Cin has to be a grown-up and find SOME way to carry on with the obscene amount of money she's inherited . . . and her servants . . . and her personal chef. And when her mom dies, she absorbs her magic. So she's a really powerful witch who doesn't know how to control her witch skills. [Insert more Willow comparisons here.]

And just as I'm thinking, "SO MANY cliches; so few pages," I get to this sentence:

When I was sixteen I had fancied myself in love with one of the footmen, a horrible cliche, I know.

DO you know?! Don't you mess with me, Jenna Maclaine. If you wrote this book to be ironic, I demand you tell me now.

Then Cin's childhood friend, who wants to marry her but whom she doesn't really like that way, returns from a long trip. And he can't wait to show her his new hobby . . . BLOOD SUCKING. (Cue the ominous music.) Then he tries to kill (?) Cin . . . or make her a vampire because she refused to marry him? I'm not at all sure. In any event, she gets away from him, but now he has her blood coursing through him and can somehow get in her head and make her crazy.

She locks herself in the house so she can study up on her vampire lore and figure out how to kill this dude before he kills her. And this is where I stop picturing Willow, because SHE would already know how to kill a vampire.

Then Cin gives up, because books are hard, and decides to go see an herbalist in London who knows things about things. The herbalist says he used to know a vampire slayer, but he got killed recently, but oh look he left his diary and here's an entry about good vampires who kill bad vampires so why don't you see if they'll help you. And she says, oh posh, I'll never welcome strange vampires into my home. Never. Never. I shan't ever do such a silly thing. So of course that's exactly what she's going to do.

Wages of Sin (I brought this on myself)

Last month, I divulged some of my dirty, awful book secrets in this post. One of those books offending my shelves is Wages of Sin, which is of the adult paranormal/fantasy/romance genre. I have not read it. I never intended to read it. But Amanda over at Dead White Guys sort of kind of dared me to (and baited me with promise of cookies) . . . and the stubborn 12-year-old tomboy in me CANNOT refuse a dare OR cookies.

So here I am, fresh off my high from A Study in Scarlet, cracking the pages of this salacious little gem. How far I've fallen. I can't even see Danielle Steele from here.

I decided the best way to tackle this challenge is to blog as I read. So if I come across something utterly ridiculous (and I fully intend to), I can immediately unburden myself of the dreadful knowledge. If I waited until the end, I would be unleashing a whole bookful of crazy all at once . . . and that just wouldn't be healthy for any of us.

DISCLAIMER: Jenna Maclaine is an actual human being with hopes and dreams and feelings and writing aspirations, and her books DO have a following (Goodreads informs me this particular book has a passel of five-star ratings). My opinions, harsh as they may be at any given time, are merely my opinions. They don't reflect on the author as a person or on her fans or on their literary preferences (unless you happen to agree with me, of course). This sort of book just isn't my cup of tea. And when I dislike a cup of tea, I mock it and bemoan its existence. It's how I cope.

And so it begins . . .