This week's low came when the hammer finally dropped and the
Morrigan family’s benefits were suspended pending an investigation into their
situation. This can only mean that their meddling neighbor took it upon herself to report Dadda for washing the car that one day.
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| Oh the damage wrought by misguided do-gooders |
The family income will drop by 11 percent until the powers
that be determine whether they qualify for continued assistance.
Eleven percent is not very much—but, when you are very poor, it may form the bedrock of your survival.
And now you are standing on so much less than you were before. You are unstable. You are liable to fall.
Johanna reminded her parents that she'll be getting some money from the reviews she’s written and can help supplement
that deficit. But the elder Morrigans put on their
Responsible Parent hats and insisted that she open a savings account and put
aside half of everything she earns (“You don’t know what’s going to happen in
the future, Johanna”). This was a redeeming moment for Johanna’s parents and further evidence,
I think, that they're just people, trying to do their best and occasionally
succeeding.
As for the high, Johanna’s trip to Dublin to
interview John Kite was a doozy.
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| Let's DO. |
That was a really fantastic day. But she’s fallen HARD for
this man who’s really just a motherless boy and still perhaps a little too old
for her. And we don’t yet know whether he’s interested in her the same way she’s
interested in him. Or if we even want
him to be. Because as sincere as he seems (“Duchess, this is one of those great
afternoons where you make a friend for life, isn’t it? We just seem to be . . .
a lot the same.”), he’s not the picture of stability and that fur coat probably smells not-good.
But I think the most important thing about him as he relates
to Johanna’s story is that he’s the type of person who allows others to be just
who they are. And Johanna is getting drunk on that, because she’s not used to
that level of acceptance, to the idea of someone (a man, no less) being unreservedly delighted by who she is.
John Kite was the first person I’d ever met who made me feel normal. That when I talked "too much," it was not the point where you walked away, going, "You’re weird, Johanna," or "Shut up, Johanna,”—but that that was when the conversation actually got good. The more ridiculous things I said—the more astonishing things I confessed—the more he roared with laughter, or slapped the table and said: "That is exactly how it is, you outrageous item."
I felt some of Johanna's giddiness as I was reading that chapter because it took me back to my own youth, when I was equally starved for male attention and
uncertain whether I was even acceptable to the opposite sex. I know how much a day like that would have meant to me then.
I also remember how much of a naïve idiot I was at her age,
and I’m in constant amazement that my crippling insecurity, paired with a
naturally trusting nature, didn’t land me in a shallow grave before I reached
adulthood.
What comes to mind is one particular concert I went to when
I was about 16. There was no stage, so the band were on the same level as the
audience, and we were all just standing in a circle around them. I was front
and center on the inner ring of that circle, and the guitarist/singer, during
an instrumental portion of one of the songs, showboated around a little and
landed directly in front of me, where he lingered for quite some time, pressed
right up against me, his front to my front. I remember that he looked me
straight in the eye the whole time he was standing there, and the back of his
pick hand as he played the guitar was quite literally in my crotch. But instead
of recoiling at being singled out for a ritual groping by a man in his mid-20s
who was a complete stranger to me, I was flattered.
The sweaty musician had picked me.
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| The thing about hearts for eyes is that they impair your vision. |
After the show, I somehow ended up in the band’s RV. (I KNOW.) But in an
absurd twist of fate, in their offstage lives these guys were sober vegans and
perfect gentlemen. They sat me at the pull-down table with a pile of potatoes
and a knife. They (literally) armed me against a threat I hadn’t even registered.
So Past Me and Present Me are arguing with each other as I
read Johanna’s adventures in Dublin and London, in pubs and at parties. I understand
both sides of that coin now. Sure, every night out seems brimming with excitement and possibilities. But I see a little too much of my foolish streak in her. And then there's this:
I have made my notes, now, you see, on how to build a girl, and put her out in the world. Everyone drinks. Everyone smokes. . . . You come into a room and say things, like you’re in a play. You fake it till you make it. You discuss sex like it’s a game. You have adventures. You don’t quote musicals. Whatever everyone else is doing, you do that. You say things to be heard, rather than to be right.
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| Just hoping for the best at this point |
