Friday, March 1, 2013

Harry Potter and the Readalong of Fire 2: What if we're ALL teenage girls?

We’re halfway through Goblet of Fire, and here’s what’s happening: Hermione is stepping up her game on the “free-the-house-elves” front, everyone continues not to care sufficiently about Neville, the owls need a PETA representative, Hermione wants to mouth-kiss cannot abide by Krum, Ron and Harry are acting like mean girls, Sirius is saying things seriously and Snape is snapping, Bagman is acting MORE suspicious, wizard journalists do not learn ethics in Wizard Journalism School, and wands continue to be so very dirty (“I polish it every night”; “rather thicker than one usually sees . . . quite rigid”).

I'm so sorry, Mom.

On the topic of house-elves, Ron so sincerely believes that they like to be enslaved, and Hagrid repeats that same belief later. To that I say, of COURSE the house-elves like being enslaved. I'm thoroughly convinced. When was the last time I heard that argument . . . OH YEAH.

Your wizard logic is faulty.

And I suppose the owls ALSO enjoy their life of hard labor? (Oh, they do, you say? Very well then.) Harry is pretty hard on Hedwig. She flies for days and who (owl humor) knows how far to get a letter to Sirius, and then the very next morning, Harry makes her fly out again to deliver a stupid letter that is stupid. You SHOW him your tail feathers, girl. He doesn’t even deserve you.

Oh, that reminds me. I have a bone to pick with Rowling about the owls. So Hedwig can find Sirius in his most secret of secret headquarters. Acceptable. Hedwig is a very special owl, even as far as magical owls go. But then Harry is able to grab just a random school owl to send a letter to Sirius, and this owl will ALSO be able to find him without any difficulty. So, I ask you, what’s stopping the Ministry of Magic from just . . . sending Sirius an owl? And then when the owl got to his hidden location to deliver the “message,” the message would be “SURPRISE! DEMENTOR'S KISS. Love, Ministry of Magic.”

I leave you with Potter and Malfoy, mean girls:


  1. I am weirdly fond of the title of this post.

    ...I'm sure this owl thing has been explained somehow.

    That's my reasoning with all of Harry Potter. Because all our questions have been asked before, and answered somewhere on the internet by HP fans WAY more obsessed than we are.

  2. No journalistic ethics in the wizarding world at all! Of course they don't seem to have a police force and detention for first year students is to send them into a forest full of things that actively want to kill them. The wizarding world does not have its shit together. Probably because they're all too busy playing with their wands.

  3. Hmmmm... You may have a point about the owls. But maybe the owls only find someone if you are pure at heart and have good intentions and don't want to SUCK PEOPLE'S SOULS OUT.

    Or something. Hedwig is the best though. I think I have a cuddly Hedwig somewhere...

  4. GOD! YES about the owls finding Sirius, for goodness sake. I don't understand how the Ministry of Magic has not thought of this extraordinarily simple solution. I thought of that solution at age FOURTEEN. Sheesh.

  5. Oh my god you just exploded my brain into 1000 pieces! I was thinking you were going to say something about the fancy birds Sirius used, and how it suggests that basically all birds can make these difficult trips but then you went somewhere completely different and now I think the ministry is inept for completely different reasons.

    Well done you!

  6. Oh my god. The ood/Hunger Games mash-up. LOVE IT. And you make an excellent point about how the Ministry could find Sirius crazy-easily. And even if they can't mail a Dementor's Kiss, I'm sure they could attach some sort of magical tracking device. PLOT HOLE, we have found you.

  7. Please sum up all remaining book-sections in this manner.

    Also, GOOD POINT re: the owls. Unless the owls are, like, apparating from one place to the other, which I DOUBT.

  8. YES! The owl logic does not quiiiiiiite work. If owls can find anyone anywhere, I don't quite understand why no one has clued into that and used it to locate people they need to locate who might otherwise be in hiding.

  9. So many wand jokes.

    What is with Bagman oh man I wish I remembered this! I've started the next section and in it Winky says (spoiler maybe if you want to read it yourself) that he's a "very bad wizard" or something like that. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?