Friday, February 1, 2013

HP and the Readalong of Secrets 2: Sure, had a girl in your room that whole time

Midway through Chamber of Secrets, everyone is convinced that Harry is the Heir of Slytherin because he talked Super-Secret Snake Language (it has a proper name, you say? Well I refuse to acknowledge it, because it's dumb) in front of basically the whole school and kind of seemed maybe to be telling the snake to eat someone. A MINOR misunderstanding, really.

But when he goes to apologize to the almost-victim, he stumbles upon a GOSSIP FEST.
“A group of the Hufflepuffs who should have been in Herbology were indeed sitting at the back of the library, but they didn’t seem to be working. . . . Their heads were close together and they were having what looked like an absorbing conversation.” (p. 198)
. . . about how Harry is a murderous snake charmer.

I especially like that the two most vocal of the bunch are described as “a stout boy” and “a girl with blonde pigtails.” Heh, Hufflepuffs . . . what a bunch of losers.

Dammit, Hufflepuffs!

On a more adorable note, there are no fewer than four instances in which Ron demonstrates that he’s completely in love with Hermione already. For example:
“Ron read the message, swallowed hard, and looked sideways at the empty seat usually filled by Hermione. The sight seemed to stiffen his resolve, and he nodded.” (p. 270)
Just so we’re clear on why Ron is resolve-stiffening, he has to go into the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night to follow a bunch of little spiders that will lead to a bunch of GIANT SPIDERS.

That's love, dudes.

While we're on the topic of Petrified Hermione, even though it’s the only way to revive everyone, I find it more than slightly morbid that paragraphs are devoted to explaining Mandrake development in the context of human maturation—hormonal acne and all—only to be followed by Madame Pomfrey saying, “It won’t be long before we’re cutting them up and stewing them” (p. 234). She could at least try not to sound so cheerful about it.

I know pretty much everyone loves Lockhart. In general, I can take him or leave him, but I have an intense fondness for innocuous, post-memory-loss Lockhart. He reminds me of the Witch of the Waste from Howl’s Moving Castle, after her magic and meanness are stripped away by that chair-spinny contraptionator.

They would make a lovely couple.


  1. Maybe Hufflepuff is way more badass than they initially come off. Cos Sprout is the head of the Huffles and also the one who will, presumably, be murdering and stewing up these Mandrakes. And she's super OK with this cos hey, sometimes plants have to die.

  2. Oh, HELLO best post tag EVER. (He definitely was masturbating. A lot. Constantly.)

    I kept noticing all the little things that prove Ron loves Hermoine and then totally flailing a lot. In my brain, you know. But RON IS TERRIFIED OF SPIDERS AND HERMIONE GAVE HIM THE STRENGTH TO BE NEAR THEM! Amazing.

  3. Yeah...and sometimes those plants look exactly like babies. *barfs a little*

  4. Hey! What! I have blonde pigtails! Not, like, always, but sometimes I do! Sometimes I put my hair in pigtails! Mostly when I'm flying because then it stays out of my face and airport people are nicer to me. BUT STILL.

  5. Ron is SUPER terrified of spiders...and all other things (which is why he and Fang are perfect together). But for love of Hermione, he will prevail!

    Too bad about Ginny walking in on Percy though. That's gonna leave some emotional damage.

  6. Hahaha!

    OK...let's qualify this judgment and restrict it to girls with blonde pigtails who are obnoxious and spread HEINOUS rumors about Harry Potter...and are named Hannah.

  7. Hahahaha, yes. Poor Ginny! (Again.)

  8. Witch of the Waste gif! And that hedgehog gif -awww.

    Super secret snake language is a much better name than parselmouth/tongue.

    And I do like post-memory charm Lockhart, although I loved him before too. His line about being a rubbish teacher is spot on.

  9. Heh--maybe it wasn't only his resolve that was stiffening for Hermione either.

    You're so right, though: anybody who honestly thought Ron and Hermione would sail on another ship was simply deluded.

    I actually liked the line about the mandrakes becoming "moody and secretive" and thus leaving childhood behind. but you're right--as somebody else brought up and i'm sorry i can't remember who--ucutting into the mandrakes with glee is a little disturbing. maybe all the Huff-diddies have a dark side.

    in other news, i started reading a book last night with a character named Margaret Granger and i thought of you.

  10. Ohhhhh snap...I'm so glad you took it there, because no one else was taking the bait.

    I'm the Token Granger!

  11. Somebody had to. But unlike most adults I never outgrew my adolescent fondness for innuendo.

  12. Ugh, Lockhart's awful. I am not on that gravy train. Also, what exactly is a gravy train? BUT Ron is all super-upset about Hermione's crush on Lockhart and constantly insists on demonstrating how awful the man is and there we have FURTHER evidence of love. Also, LOVE the hedgehog gif! Poor little guy!

  13. Lol, I miss such innuendos ALL the time, including when I actually say them. **Trying to think of one to accidentally-on-purpose insert here to prove my point.** Insert WHERE, pray tell? <--- point

  14. Well, you know, everybody was getting gossipy, what with the homicidal, mythical monster on the loose.

    Ah, the early Ron-Hermione love!

  15. Far more damaging than the whole Chamber of Secrets, evil diary possessing her thing *shudders*

  16. I commented on this last week off my phone, but it seems my phone does not agree with Disqus AT ALL.

    I love the little Howl's gif and yes!! Lockhart (post memory charm) and the Witch of the Waste would be adorable together! Also, someone should get on that fanfic stat!

    I will forever love Hermione/Ron and I will forever read far too much into any scene where they're together. Love, they have it.