Monday, December 19, 2011

Wages of Sin vs. Brain Cells, Round 3

**NOTE: Spoilers ahead! I am summarizing the entirety of this book, and I'm doing it just for you. You'll thank me later.**

OK, my little chickadees. I know you're DYING to hear what's going on in Cliche Town, and I am here for you.

Maybe it's all the whiskey I've been drinking, but these latest chapters didn't seem quite as soul crushing as the ones before. Let's see how this post goes. Maybe I'll realize at some point that I'm in shock from The Stupid and have gone numb and emotionless. (Wages of Sin lobotomy. It's a thing.) We'll find out together.

We are all seated in the green drawing room (Cin, the three hotsy-pants vampires . . . and me, the one in the corner clutching a glass of whiskey as though my life depended on it). Cin tells them about her evil-vampire problem and they figure out that another, more powerful vampire must be controlling him because there's no way he would be able to get in her head all by himself, being new and weak and not very smart in general.

Cin asks Justine in private if vampires have sexy powers, because she's just so darn attracted to this Michael character and he MUST be using his vampiric seduction skills to make her all fluttery since she's NORMALLY a reasonable person who keeps her clothes on in public. Justine assures her there are no shenanigans; "it is sheer human lust." What a relief?

Then bad vampire Sebastian starts calling to Cin in her head and she has to be locked up so she won't try to leave the house or turn someone into a weasel. Justine and Devlin go out to hunt for bad vampire, and Michael stays to make sure Cin doesn't hurt herself. But just to be sure, he TIES HER TO THE BED. If that isn't a recipe for sexy times, I just don't know what is.

Michael asks Cin if there's anything he can do to distract her from the creeper voice in her head. Her answer: "Hit me or kiss me." This is troubling for a number of reasons, but I wouldn't have minded if Michael hit her just a little. Much to my disappointment, he chooses the latter, completely predictable option. And he just can't believe his luck because she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. So they kiss, and it's the best kiss EVER. But sexy times are kept to a minimum because Michael is a good Scottish gentleman, and she is tied to a bed. It just wouldn't be proper.

Then Justine and Devlin come back with injuries and news. It turns out that bad vampire Sebastian is being controlled by an ancient she-demon/vampire called Kali, the Destroyer who is trapped on the earth but wants to return to her own dimension and thinks Cin can break the curse with her super-awesome witch powers. But this demon is BAD. Bad bad bad evil. And she's too strong for the good vampires to kill because she's been around forever, since before Jesus. So everyone is screwed.

Cin has to decide whether to run and always be looking over her shoulder or to kill herself so no one she loves will be hurt and she can't be used to aid and abet bad demon lady and possibly cause the deaths of thousands of people in the process. But Justine suggests they make her a vampire because then she won't have any of her human weaknesses and maybe she can live long enough to figure out a way to defeat the Destroyer. As far as reasons to become a vampire go, I suppose this is pretty sensible. As long as she's not doing it because she thinks Michael is pretty. In fact, for a nice change of pace, Michael tells her she makes him wish he were human. As refreshing as that may be, I'm still not convinced a lovely gentleman vampire would be interested in Cin. It's Edward and Bella instalove all over again, and it makes me throw-upy.

Then we get some back story on Devlin. It turns out he used to be part of Kali, the Destroyer's man harem. This conversation between him and Cin gives us another opportunity to marvel at Cin's blatant stupidity, which is now one of my favorite pastimes.
"She liked to drink from young, strong men. There were perhaps thirty of us bound in chains in one large, well-appointed room in the cellar of some great house. We were fed and clothed well and every night Yasmeen would come and choose two of us to make love to her while Kali watched."
My face flamed. I had to ask though. "Kali didn't---?"
"No, never. She prefers women."
I looked at him blankly.
"In her bed. She prefers women in her bed, not men."
"Oh," I said, but it took a minute before understanding truly dawned on me. "Oh," I said again.
SERIOUSLY, Cin?! I know you're a viscount's virginal daughter, but geez. Use your noggin. How embarrassing.

Oh, and then she has a talk with Michael, and he tells her he named his sword Ophelia. And she's like, oh silly you for naming your sword. Then, he laughs and says, "All men name their swords," which is OBVIOUSLY innuendo. But does Cin get it? No, of course not. And she claims she has never seen a man's naked chest before. She is clearly deprived.

But our sweet, innocent viscount's daughter is perpetually trying to jump Michael's bones. And he won't let her because he thinks he's beneath her since he was just a peasant when he was human and now he's the undead. But she is pulling every card she can think of. She actually says, "You make me burn, and if I'm going to die, don't let me die a virgin." She's like a teenage boy at the prom during an alien invasion. But still he resists her wiles. And she pushes up her boobs and pouts, and makes me wish, again, that Michael had hit her when he had the option.

Then the vampires go hunting to see if they can have another go at the Destroyer. While they're gone, Cin's dearest friend leans out the kitchen door to pick up a kitten, and of course bad vampire Sebastian is right there and grabs her and threatens to kill her if Cin doesn't come with him. So now she's following him through the woods to the bad, bad, evil vampire she-demon.

I don't know about you, but I'm on the edge of my seat.


  1. So Cin both can't figure out what Devlin meant when he said Kali prefers women without spelling it out (I assume the next line after "in bed" if she didn't get it would have been "Kali makes sexy time with ladies, not boys") but at the same time she's moments away from claiming blue balls (blue ovaries?) if Michael doesn't do her? Just...wonderful

  2. You have used some of my favorite Internet Pictures, so WELL DONE. Also, yes to this:

    "She's like a teenage boy at the prom during an alien invasion"

    Or like that guy in Grease 2 who sings Let's Do It for Our Country.

  3. YES! She's incredibly inconsistent and makes NO sense as a the author lacks any understanding of BASIC HUMAN BEHAVIOR.