Harry Potter Readalong: The Retrospective

It’s official, friends. I hereby join the ranks of Those Who Have Read Harry Potter. It’s a big club. But only a select few members have their own wands.

Ebony with Phoenix feather core. For threatening my enemies.

I don’t know if you realize this, but organizing a group of book bloggers who live all over the world to read the same books and then talk about them on the same day every week for 6 months running is a stupendous feat. Like herding cats? Is that the saying? And only our brave and fearless leader, Alice, our collective fondness for GIFs, and the scary-brilliant imagination of Lady JK Rowling herself could have provided the motivation to keep us all onboard. Also peer pressure (not just for making children smoke the cigarettes anymore).

As some of you may know . . . the past 6 months have been maybe the most difficult of my life. My world sort of fell apart right before Christmas, and it’s taken this long just to assemble the scaffolding to BEGIN the rebuilding process. And through all that personal journeying, I was simultaneously making my steady way onward from the cupboard under the stairs at Number 4 Privet Drive. They say you never forget your first time reading the Harry Potter series, and for me that could not be more true.

TOO MANY FEELINGS.

Makes your opponent's pee smell funny for DAYS.

The heat of my passion for Neville Longbottom would have been more than enough to carry me through, but I ALSO had reading partners who made me spit coffee every Friday, right on schedule. And sometimes we also cried. But we cried together. And then we looked at more pictures of post-puberty Matthew Lewis, and all was well again.

So thank you, friends, for making this first read so memorable.

To be followed by a 10-minute group hug.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Readalong 4: "My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?"

First of all, let me just say . . . Being Sad is not my most beloved of leisure activities, and I have spent more time Being Sad in my leisure time this past week than doing anything else. AND I BLAME ALL OF YOU.

Teddy is my only friend now.

There were just a couple of times when I took a break from Being Sad to be Cautiously Amused. Like when Ginny thought she heard Ron and Hermione say something about the bathroom right before disappearing together for a prolonged period of time. (They were gathering Basilisk fangs in the Chamber of Secrets, obviously. Geez. Get your minds out of the gutter.)

Speaking of Ron and Hermione going on solo missions to remote parts of Hogwarts, the first time WE see them kiss is the first time Harry sees them kiss, which is right after Ron says a nice thing about house-elves. But I’m not entirely convinced that was their first kiss. Almost completely certain it wasn’t, actually. Or maybe it was. I just realized I’m not all that invested in this theory.

But do you know what theory I AM invested in? (Look at all my smooth segues today! I’ve just ruined them by pointing them out, haven’t I?) The good ship Potterfoy. I will go DOWN with that ship holding tight to just a couple of tidbits. I can live off tidbits for AGES.

Tidbit #1: "'Don’t kill him! DON’T KILL HIM!' Malfoy yelled at Crabbe and Goyle, who were both aiming at Harry" (pp. 631–631).

Tidbit #2: "Malfoy was screaming and holding Harry so tightly it hurt" (p. 634).

Damn. Fresh out of tidbits.

Another theory I’ve been working on (i.e., thought of just now) has to do with perhaps the only big secret Severus Snape succeeded in taking to his grave. 

"With a tingle of horror, Harry saw in the distance a huge, batlike shape flying through the darkness toward the perimeter wall." (p. 599)

Snape was Batman.

I didn’t shed actual tears at any point in this last book. (There was a LOT of lip trembling and throat tightening. I’m not a robot.) But the most emotional moments for me were the ones that continued a tiny thread from the very first book. Like when Hermione yells at Ron: "Are you a wizard, or what?" (p. 651). And when Hagrid tenderly carries through the woods what he thinks is Harry’s body . . . much like when Hagrid carried a smaller Harry to the doorstep of Number 4 Privet Drive. And when we see through Snape’s memories how hurt Petunia was that she wasn’t magical like her little sister—a hurt she carried into adulthood. And when Neville’s Gryffindor qualities (the ones that made it possible for him to stand up to his friends in those little-boy PJs) fully manifest in the absence of Harry, Ron, and Hermione at Hogwarts.

It’s like, in this last section, everyone’s very best qualities come out (even Kreacher’s). Which makes it all the more painful when some of these people are taken away from us.

And that means I can’t put this off any longer. It’s time for the final, and most painful . . .

1. Crabbe (burned in hellfire of his own making)

2. Fred (I refuse to talk about it.)

3. Lavender Brown (fell from a balcony; briefly savaged by Fenrir Grayback)

4. Severus Snape (received Hicky of Death from Nagini)

5. Lupin and Tonks (manner of death unknown)

6. Colin Creevey (manner of death unknown)

7. Bellatrix (cursed by badass Mama Weasley)

8. Voldemort (was his own undoing)

9. Fifty others (I'm sure they died bravely and well.)

And Draco and Harry AREN'T best friends in 19 years?!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Readalong 3: The week of ladies in particular kicking arse

This section was packed with more action than Hermione could stuff in her magical beaded purse. Fred (or maybe George?) made a funny about Snape's distaste for hair-cleaning products. Bellatrix called Dobby a "dirty little monkey," which is offensive to house elves everywhere. Harry is making all kinds of grown-up decisions and putting all his faith in Dumbledore's wisdom at last. We learned what really happened in the Dumbledore family when Albus and Aberforth were teenagers, and only SOME of it involved goats (The Hog's Head smells faintly of goats! I get it now!). All these loose ends being tied up remind me that there's only one week left in what has started to feel like the Harry Potter Readalong of NEVER-ENDING Awesomeness. I don't know whether to be relieved or despondent.

I'm about 3 to 1 on this.

Look, I hate to keep revisiting the whole "wands are penises" thing (it pains me, really it does), but after that argument with my husband I feel like I have to defend my stance a little more. And, well . . .

Wands are only as powerful as the wizards who use them. Some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's. (p. 415)

I think I can probably plant my victory flag on that one.

On a related note, I was impressed to learn that Bellatrix's wand is 12 3/4 inches and unyielding. I think that's the longest wand in the series, aside from Voldemort's. Which I think says something about her overall lady power, be it evil or otherwise. (It's evil. She's totally evil.)

And I HARDLY think that's appropriate, Bellatrix.

Also, Hermione saved everyone's mortal soul numerous times in this section. Thinking on her feet in Xenophilius Lovegood's house and Disapparating with Ron and Harry WHILE FALLING THROUGH THE FLOOR. Girl's got skills. And then she withstood prolonged torture in Malfoy Manor without telling Bellatrix anything useful or true.

Also this:

She's tough, Luna, much tougher than you'd think. She's probably teaching all the inmates about Wrackspurts and Nargles. (p. 425)

True story.

I have another question this week. When Peter Pettigrew hesitates to kill Harry for that brief moment in the basement at Malfoy Manor and his own magical hand strangles him instead . . . I don't exactly understand what happened there. Was the hand enchanted so that if he ever failed to kill Harry, he would die? Because what if he didn't kill Harry right then because he knew Voldemort wanted to kill Harry himself. That's all anyone ever says: "Don't kill Potter. The Dark Lord wants that honor for himself," blah blah, ad nauseam. So if Pettigrew HAD killed Harry right then, he would have been in capital T trouble with his boss. And that is what we in the business call a Catch-22 . . . or else a poorly written plot device, I'm sad to say.

And now, for Week 3 . . .

1. Ted Tonks (Did he know he was a grandfather? Stop it, too sad.)
2. Dirk Cresswell (I have no memory of this person and feel pretty bad about it.)
3. Gornuk the goblin (Their eyes with no whites are creepy, right?)
4. A Muggle family of five ("unnamed, but no less regretted")
5. Dobby, a free elf (I'm so sorry I called you the Jar Jar Binks of the Harry Potter series! I feel just awful about that now.)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Readalong 2: Evil incarnate is not an accessory

In this week’s installment of The Deathly Hallows, the Magnificent Trio ignores just the whole message of Lord of the Rings and WEARS THE EVIL JEWELRY; Umbridge uses Moody’s magical eye to spy on her employees (someone fetch me a centaur); Ron throws a tantrum, right on schedule; Dumbledore frustrates Harry with his secrecy, from the GRAVE (masterfully done, sir); I go a little crazy not knowing what Neville/Luna/Ginny are up to back at Hogwarts; and Ron delights me with his continued use of “effing” as an adjective (I can't stay mad at you, you pseudo-bad-boy, you).

Who else—besides Ron and Hermione—was super uncomfortable during that Lupin/Harry confrontation?

“Harry, I’m sure James would have wanted me to stick with you.” 

“Well,” said Harry slowly, “I’m not. I’m pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren’t sticking with your own kid, actually.”

So this is what everyone was talking about when they said they love Lupin in Prisoner of Azkaban but not so much later. I was certain that I would love ALL the Lupins. And I’ve been trying to justify his behavior—as I’m so adept at doing for Snape (he kills because he LOVES, you guys)—but there’s just not . . . nope, I can’t do it. He has been AWFUL to Tonks in public. Who knows how he treats her in private, but statistics tell us . . . probably not so good. So what, dude? You accidentally put a werewolf fetus in the woman you love. If you feel so bad about it, maybe don’t then ABANDON YOUR WIFE AND CHILD. That is not an empirically proven solution to accidental pregnancy. Now get out of here. I can’t look at you right now. (Don't worry, I'll forgive you in like 5 minutes.)

Do you know who I DO want to look at? One Gellert Grindelwald. Oh, surprise, I have a crush on another fictional character. Everyone pick your jaws up off the floor. He has golden hair. He is handsome. He is a tricksy thiever with a sense of humor. He crows with laughter (I DO love a good crow laugh). He was best friends with Dumbledore. He may or may not be (he totally is) evil.

And I’m SO glad that I’m going into this book already knowing about the “Grindelwald and Dumbledore: Starcross’d Lovers” angle. Because lines like this are 10 times more enjoyable:

“I don’t know who he loved, Hermione, but it was never me. This isn’t love, the mess he’s left me in. He shared a damn sight more of what he was really thinking with Gellert Grindelwald than he ever shared with me.”

YEAH, he did.

Question: When Voldemort saw Grindelwald steal the wand in Gregorovitch’s memory, wouldn’t he have recognized him right away? It seems like Grindelwald was pretty damn notorious in his day, and in general. So wouldn't his picture have been . . . places? And if he was in line to be the most powerful dark wizard of all time until Voldemort showed up, you would THINK Voldemort would have a passing familiarity with his handsome, laughing face. No? Am I way off? Be gentle.

Other question: I don’t remember for SURE (and am too lazy to look, apparently), but I don’t think the Polyjuice Potion changed Ron’s and Harry’s voices into Crab’s and Goyle’s back when they first used it in . . . I don’t even remember which book that was THEY ALL RUN TOGETHER (Chamber of Secrets. It was Chamber of Secrets). Yet here we are using Polyjuice Potion again in the Ministry of Magic, and Harry is speaking in Runcorn’s “deep and gravelly” voice. So what gives, yo?

And now . . . *drumroll* . . . for Week 2 . . .

1. Gregorovitch

2. Bathilda Bagshot

3. Harry’s wand (may it rest in pieces)

4. Dumbledore’s reputation

5. A piece of Voldemort’s soul that particularly dislikes gingers

I’ll let you know if I forgot anyone after I read Laura’s post.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Readalong 1: Merlin had a saggy left . . . earlobe

I know this is the last book, and I haven’t been saying this for any of these posts . . . but it’s my duty to warn you that I am about to spoil the ever-fondled Horklumps out of this book. And that means spoiling the whooooole series. So watch yourself, you person who still hasn’t read the books and/or seen the movies. (I see you there, you last unicorn, you.)

So that William Penn quote at the beginning? “Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still”?

Just be straight with us, Rowling.

But I’m not ready to talk about that yet. NOT ready.

I just casually mentioned to my husband the other night that Rowling was getting out of control with her wand euphemisms, and he was AGHAST that I could be so horrible as to see phallic imagery in this most beloved of children’s series. And *I* was aghast that he didn’t already realize this series is chock FULL of phallic imagery. And then we argued. And then I went to Twitter, where I was sure to find support for my case. And Kayleigh came to my immediate aid with a “wands are wangs” comment. And now my husband just thinks we’re ALL dirty. (He's not wrong, ya'll.)

But I promised you penis jokes:

“He drew out his own wand and compared the lengths.” (I’ve HEARD that guys do this.)

Ron talking about a book that teaches boys how to get girls: “You’d be surprised, it’s not all about wandwork, either.” (I mean, come ON. It’s right there.)

On a more serious note, when I was reading that obituary Elphias Doge wrote for Dumbledore, I was thinking that could EASILY have been Ron writing about Harry. They met at the age of 11 on the first day at Hogwarts. Dumbledore was already notorious at the school because of something his dad did.

“Our mutual attraction was undoubtedly due to the fact that we both felt ourselves to be outsiders. . . .

Being continually outshone was an occupational hazard of being his friend.” 

SCHOOL FRIENDS. And also Dumbledore being dead still. And also Elphias Doge's dandelion hair topped with a fez. *sniffle*

And with that, I can’t avoid it anymore. Two-hundred pages in, and there have been DEATHS.

1. Hedwig (I HATE EVERYTHING)

2. George’s ear (*weeps prematurely for twin things to come*)

3. Mad-Eye Moody (Meh)

**EDITED TO ADD that Laura's post reminded me Charity Burbage and Rufus Scrimgeour also died in this section. Sorry, Charity and Rufus, but I didn't care about you overly much.**

The Tales of Beedle the Bard, and how we should all be wary of small children

This made a perfect intermission between the Feelings Ravager that was Half-Blood Prince and the I-don't-even-know-what-but-I'm-terrified-to-find-out of Deathly Hallows. I had, of course, never read this. And I didn't have a good idea what it was; so when I went to pick it up from the library, I was a little surprised to find a book for small people on my holds shelf.

Here's the thing though: It's a children's book that doesn't feel too childish. Which I appreciated as a grown-up lady and also would have appreciated when I was a small person. Because I was one of those kids who read A Clockwork Orange at the age of 8 and immediately declared it my favorite book—until I read American Psycho. (Just kidding.) Little Megs wore howling wolves T-shirts (unironically) and simply had no time for sweet little tales of "hoppitty pots." The truth is, being a child is terrifying. The things that go on in our brains? You don't even want to know, adults. You don't EVEN want to know.

It's a horror show in there.

Probably the most gruesome story in the bunch, and therefore my favorite, is "The Warlock's Hairy Heart." In a nutshell, a fabulously wealthy and attractive warlock, to spare himself from becoming a silly boy in love, uses Dark Magic to remove his heart. He ages and continues to smugly mock his silly friends and their silly families, thinking himself quite enviable. But then he overhears his servants talking about him as though he is to be pitied, a poor aging warlock with no one to love him. So he resolves to get married and make them jealous once and for all.

He sets about trying to trick a lovely rich witch into thinking he can feel things. But she somehow knows he's not quite right in the feeler and casually says, "If only you had a heart." And then he says, "Aha! But that's where you're wrong." And he takes her into his dungeon to show her that he does indeed have a heart, and here it is in the crystal casket right where he left it. It just needs a little brushing because it grew hair from lack of attention. And the maiden begs him to put it back in his chest where it belongs, so he DOES. And she hugs him with her soft white arms. And he is overwhelmed with the feelings that he hasn't been feeling for so many years (and probably also puberty), and his heart is like a tiny misguided animal that urges him to rip out the maidens heart and . . . lick and stroke it, for some reason? And I guess he was planning to replace his hairy, shriveled heart with this nice shiny new one. But he died instead.

Isn't it romantic?

Other things I learned from Beedle (rather, from Dumbledore's commentary):

• There was a much worse Care of Magical Creatures teacher before Hagrid. Sixty-two probationary periods. Missing most of his limbs. So you can just shut right up, Parvati Patil.
• "There is not a witch or wizard in existence whose blood has not mingled with that of Muggles." So all that pure-blood business is malarkey? Excellent.
• It's all fun and games until someone is caught fondling some Horklumps.

HP and the Sorceror's Readalong 1: Sorceror's Stone-Induced Braincation

I'm trying really hard to have thoughts about THEMES and CHARACTERS and OWLS . . . but I'm drawing a total blank. And it's not because I'm not loving Harry Potter. It's because opening this book is like tying my brain to a fence post and letting it float in the warm breeze.

So we read Chapters 1 through 9. I think I remember them.

I know everyone is talking about the Dursleys and how they are terrible humans. It's true. They totally are. I was talking to Alice about this earlier today and thinking this seems to be a theme in children's lit, in particular. The first example that came to mind was Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, where there is, in fact, a child-bride situation. WHAT is our fascination with torturing fictional children?

But as bad as everything about Harry's life at the Dursleys was, my heart of stone didn't melt until this:

Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept. (p. 19)

NO ONE should be accustomed to spiders. This is a travesty.

And later in that chapter, when Harry has that conversation with the snake, I decided that I prefer Book Snake to Movie Snake. Book Snake is cheekier.

Is it generally acknowledged that the characters in this first book are a little . . . one-dimensional? I mean, I know because of the movies that even the worst characters have some pretty interesting back stories to explain their naughties. And the good ones sometimes turn out not to be quite 100% good. But for now, it's very black and white. Lady Rowling probably did that on purpose didn't she? Fine. Whatever. We'll revisit this later.

GO AWAY SIRIUS IT'S NOT YOUR TIME.

NOTE OF SOME IMPORTANCE: When Tika heard that I was borrowing the series for this readalong, she stood on her dining room table and declared, THIS SHALL NOT STAND. And then she immediately mailed me her spare set. I love you, Tikaaaaa! *hugs all seven books*